Black Dog Days

Morissette, I will take your ten thousand spoons over any
number of knives.

Oh, that hurt.

I've been looking after Arya while she has chicken pox, and the virus seems to have snuck in and tried to give me shingles. Fortunately, I had chicken pox and my immune system had words, but they were strong words delivered in the manner of one of the fight scenes in the new Daredevil series, and left me well and truly trashed. I was literally unable to face the train journey home on Sunday, so had to make my way directly from Ipswich to work this morning and I feel like I climbed a mountain.

Actually, I've climbed a mountain; I've climbed two, and I never felt this rough afterwards*.

It doesn't help that I was pretty hammered this time last weekend. I really need to get some sleep. Ah well, I guess that Wednesday night Marvel Marathon is out of the question.

On the upside, I had some super quality time with my daughter, in between the howling-at-the-injustice-of-illness moments and the exhaustion. On the downside, before I worked out that I was sick and hungry on Sunday, I was careening towards a state of black depression like I've not known in a good while; probably not since I stopped teaching. Fortunately Arya's presence helped to stabilise me, but it was pretty alarming.

I don't talk about my depression much, but it's always there, hovering in the background. It hits me like the proverbial black dog**, knocking me down and taking all the wind out of me. It makes me physically slower and makes me question my worth and my contribution. Arya helps because just being with her I know I am loved and held in the highest value, and that I have contributed to making something wonderful. I ought to be able to remember that when she isn't there, but it doesn't work that way.

Perhaps the most insidious aspect of depression is that it makes you feel blameworthy for being depressed. This is a trap, but knowing it is a trap and avoiding that trap are two different things. I spend much of my life on the brink of the pit, aware that there is solid ground to my back but unable to step away. It's not a unique feeling, and was described by another famous black dog sufferer***. Not that I have had actual suicidal thoughts for a long time now, but the vertiginous sensation is all too familiar.

I'm much better today, because I'm no longer fighting off infection along with exhaustion, and I can look back and, not laugh, but recognise the tricks the dog played on me and acknowledge them with a nod and a grim smile. He won't be there tomorrow, but he'll be around; it's just a case of taking it a day at a time, and keeping him out in the yard where he belongs.

* Full disclosure, they were smallish mountains in the Britannic mould, and I suspect that the invigorating fresh air helped a lot.
** "The black dog I hope always to resist, and in time to drive, though I am deprived of almost all those that used to help me…When I rise my breakfast is solitary, the black dog waits to share it, from breakfast to dinner he continues barking, except that Dr Brocklesby for a little keeps him at a distance…Night comes at last, and some hours of restlessness and confusion bring me again to a day of solitude. What shall exclude the black dog from a habitation like this?" - Samuel Johnson
*** "I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand back and, if possible, get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation." - Winston Churchill

Tell me why, actor man?

Hanna suggested that I photograph the label as I didn't
have a pen on me.

The last few days I have been awfully ill. In fairness, it could have been worse. Hanna was able o give me fair warning of how bad the affliction in question might get, so I've been on antibiotics since the infection began to show on Friday morning. All things considered, taking Arya into Ely on Saturday may have been a bit much. I was ludicrously pleased when Hanna got back from her game at around dinner time instead of in the small hours of the morning.

Other than being ill since Thursday, and sleeping on the sofa so that Hanna and I didn't keep each other awake with our coughing, it was a good weekend though. Arya continues to push boundaries, but I got to spend a load of time with her and with Hanna. We were both ill, so it was mostly cuddles and TV, but it was good to have something to ourselves.

On Sunday we went to see The Book of Life, an animated film by Guillermo del Toro which I originally saw part of with Arya. She had a go at walking out again and I missed the very end of the movie watching my daughter circle in the lobby of the cineworld Huntingdon. After that, we went to a Living History Fair in Godmanchester, where I mostly window shopped for LARP kit and Hanna recnnected with friends from Maelstrom/Empire or people her parents knew.

We had pancakes at dinner, which was nice.

Insomnia and other passtimes

"Whatcha doing?"
"Oh, just lion around."

Illness is easier to cope with when you're getting plenty of sleep. Sleep is easier to come by when you're healthy. To quote the Devil in Brimstone:

"These microbes never cease to amaze me. An orgy of pain and suffering in such a little tiny package. You really have to give that old bitch Mother Nature a lot of credit."

My illness from last week persisted pretty much through to today, manifesting primarily as a painful throat and mouth blisters. By Thursday I thought I might have tonsilitis; by Saturday throat cancer. For various reasons then, I was not sleeping so well. I'm still pretty blitzed, as it goes, but I shall recover.

Between this extended lethargy and not seeing Arya at the weekend, I was pretty low, but better now for some baby time this weekend. I did consider trying to blag swimming, but I got the last two and its no fair if Hanna never gets in the pool with Arya. It was a very tired weekend - I managed to fall asleep in the denouement of The Wolfman, despite all the roaring and screaming.

I need to aim for austerity this month, financially and in terms of diet. January was expensive and I have No Rest for the Wicked and lots of major birthdays in March. This is in part why I was so peeved that, when the screen for Kingsman failed on Saturday, I couldn't find anything else to watch and ended up spending more than I should on a big lunch. If I'd capped that off by losing my scarf I would have been gutted, but fortunately noticed in time to go back for it. I also got to see the first few minutes of Into the Woods, which together with The Wolfman added up to an Emily Blunt-heavy Saturday.

I would have liked a little more time to spend with Hanna, but it's always good just to see her. Anyway, my thoughts and condolences are with her and Andrew today, as they are at his Gran's funeral.

I'm under the weather, Dug.

How sick was I? As sick as this guy. You don't
think this particular parrot looks that sick? You
try being hunted close to extinction on a false
accusation of sheep worrying and see how you
feel!

Well, that was a fun weekend.

I've not been well - presumably a gift Arya brought back from nursery - and I've been on my own. Hanna and Arya have been in Leeds with her parents and are now decorating the nursery and spare room in Martlesham. I sat on my sofa, got a bit of writing done, and watched a lot of shit on Netflix (for which thanks are due to my friend Sally; I would return the favour, but conveniently linked logins mean that anyone logging into my Amazon Instant Video account can also order books in my name.)

My somewhat dreary time was enlivened by video calls from Hanna and Arya, one of which was apparently demanded by Arya, which suggests not only that she misses me, but that she knows that the weekend is our usual time together. She's growing so fast!

Anyway, I have rewatched and reviewed Van Helsing and The Last Airbender, watched and reviewed Red: Werewolf Hunter, Daybreakers and Chimera vs. Pegasus, and churned through a whole bunch of Continuum and Warehouse 13. I started watching Lost Girl, but can't get over the creep factor, and have also got back to Stargate Universe, which was interrupted when they took it off Prime Video.

It's not exactly being 'busy', but it keeps me sane.

Unclean! Unclean!

This is my fifth day back at work after Christmas, but three of them have been spent either working from home with mild flu or sick with serious flu.

Yay!

Still, I feel all right today, so I'm going to try to get into work. Aside from anything else, I should have a birthday present waiting in the post room.