Monday, 2 March 2015

Forgive me if it goes astray

I have an evil persona. Well, not really evil; he's more of a whiny, passive-aggressive dick. He comes out when I'm tired or stressed or especially hungry, and while I mostly have him in hand these days, I still have moments where I become the whiny, passive-aggressive me and I hurt the people I care about.

In place of a picture of me acting like a dick,
here is a gorilla painted like Iron Man.
Please note the careful use of pronouns there. While I consider this side of my personality to be 'not me', I'm not writing off responsibility for my actions. Whiny, passive-aggressive dick me is still me.

On the upside, I deal with this better than I used to. I manifested this side of myself on Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, and snapped at Hanna. It was utterly uncalled for, horribly unfair and frankly ungrateful. I immediately regretted it, but you can't take these things back. I'm just glad that Hanna didn't drive off into the night with Arya swearing never to speak to me again. It might have been an overreaction, but not by very much.

Anyway, as was my response to this would have been to justify myself, but I've grown as a person. When Hanna sent me to bed with a flea in my ear I lay awake for a while, running through the various justifications in my head. This gave me the chance to assess just how much of a moaning tosser I would have sounded like and realise that when you do something for which you can expect no forgiveness, the only thing you can do is ask and hope.

And Hanna is an amazing person. I'm not saying I won't pay for this later, but she certainly didn't make a thing of it when we were both still exhausted, which shows far more wisdom than I did.

Anyway, onwards and upwards, for it is better to seek to do better than to crave indulgence for past failures. This weekend I shall not see Hanna and Arya at all, and that will sting, but the reason is that I am attending my first field LRP. I'll be crewing at No Rest for the Wicked, at Castle Fansh near Haltwhistle. I have... some kit options in hand.

I have also resolved that for financial reasons I am going to try to mod my own Nerf guns.

This does mean that I will miss Hanna's birthday, but I am instead letting her use my flat for a girly sleepover, which thus means this week's evenings will largely be given over to some manner of tidying and laying in of luxury hot chocolate components. We then have a plan to take Arya to the zoo next weekend, have a birthday tea with my parents and then a family mother's day.

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